Bio

An interview with Chris Holland (by Chris Holland)

A mutual friend of ours gave me his email address and I shot him a note to see if he would be interested in giving me a few words. After several years he got back to me and expressed his unbridled excitement in regards to the endeavor. Of course anytime Chris expresses that much of any emotion it should be taken as nothing but a bad omen, or at least that is what his publicist told me. But I pushed right through and showed up at his place only after working out the cryptic riddle that he had given me for directions to his house. Turns out he keeps a map buried in a box under a Frisbee golf hole in Zilker park. Turns out he also keeps a few land mines buried next to other Frisbee golf holes in Zilker park, but I managed to work my way around those unscathed. So this is what I got once I set up my gear and let the questions fly.

Chris: Hi Chris, it is great to finally get to meet with you.

Chris: Thanks, it is not often that I get company out here.

Chris: So Chris, what was your original inspiration for becoming a musician?

Chris: Well the first time I inspired was very shortly after I was born, right after the doctor pried the gun out of my tiny hand and handed me off to the nurse to clean off the afterbirth. They typically slap the baby on the ass but I think the sidearm intimidated them.

Chris: Oh no, sorry...what I meant was the other kind of inspiration. Like musical inspiration.

Chris: Hmm...well...it must have been all the Flintstone vitamins that I ate as a child. Those things were fucking delicious! My parents had to hide them from me once I discovered how to freebase Fred Flintstone.

Chris: I have heard about your "yaba daba doo" tattoo on your back, is that where you got the idea for the ink?

Chris: No, actually that was the nick name I got while I sat a nickel out in Huntsville for killing a entire group of roaming hippies.

Chris: You got five years for that! I thought hippies had a bounty on them in Texas?

Chris: I was in Austin when I did it.

Chris: Oh...well anyhow, when did you first start playing music?

Chris: That was when I was in fifth grade. I stole a fiddle from a gypsy and had the orchestra teacher show me how to finger the strings and whatnot.

Chris: Did the gypsies put up much resistance to you taking the violin?

Chris: They were all to busy trying to put out the fire I had started on one of their wagons to pay any attention to me. I have always been quick to take advantage of others inability to pay attention to things that are not on fire. It has turned out to be a really good way to avoid the IRS.

Chris: Yeah, so how long did you play the violin?

Chris: What?

Chris: How long did you play the violin?

Chris: When? Today?

Chris: No. How much time did you spend playing the violin once you stole the instrument from the gypsies?

Chris: Oh, that never happened.

Chris: So...you can't play the violin?

Chris: No, I can play the violin.

Chris: What other instruments can you play?

Chris: I can play the guitar and drums in English, kazoo in French, saxophone in German and keyboard in Texas.

Chris: I didn't think that music was played in any certain language.

Chris: That is what most Americans think. Truth is that most foreign instruments are dubbed over in English before they are released to the American market. It is usually done by the same few studios that do the overdubs for those weird French pornos that have the hairy girls peeing into buckets of battered and breaded fish fillets while smoking slender cigarettes with those long...uh

Chris: Cigarette holders?

Chris: No. Those things Hunter S. Thompson would always use before he blew his brains out.

Chris: I am pretty sure he used a cigarette holder.

Chris: No, I mean those other things....Guns! Lots of guns!

Chris: I have never seen any skin flicks like that. Where would you find..

Chris: Don't ask, I doubt you have the fortitude to endure the kind of society that you would encounter in fine establishments such as Creamers or the Triple X Depot. But if you are really curious about the filth and the fury you could always ask John Zorn if he would lend you a DVDA DVD or two.

Chris: Uh..

Chris: I am sorry, what was your question again?

Chris: I though you were asking the questions.

Chris: Oh yeah. Sorry I got a bit confused. So, what other hidden talents do you have that your fans might not know about?

Chris: I am glad you asked.

Chris: ...

Chris: ...

Chris: ...

Chris: {ahem}

Chris: Yeah, so I recently started taking up making electronic projects.

Chris: What kind of electronic projects? Isn't most of your music made with electronics?

Chris: I don't like to think of my computers as electronics, instead I like to give them names and talk to them like some people do with plants.

Chris: How does that work out for you?

Chris: Well, since computers are not sentient and they don't always react the way you think they are going to, it is much like working with a bunch of down syndrome children. And much like the trisomy twenty one kids, sometimes you have to lock your computers in a closet if they make to much noise. The microphones can hear anything you can hear you know.

Chris: So you were saying you have some electronic projects?

Chris: Oh yeah! Lots. For one, I like to take little micro controllers and program them to learn by adapting to environmental stimuli.

Chris: You mean Artificial Intelligence! That is great, I have been reading a lot about that on the Internet lately.

Chris: Well not so much Intelligence as much as Artificial. See, sometimes I hit the bottle pretty hard and I end up handling them a bit rough while I am working the bugs out of the code, which tends to be pretty counter productive. The CPS officer tells me that the fontanels on their heads are very delicate, so I need to be more careful to set them right side up for storage. That and I am not very good with Ohms law and I end up popping the LEDs half the time.

Chris: Fontanels are the soft spots on babies heads right? Do you mean to say that you have kids?

Chris: None that I know of.

Chris: So do you have a new album, record or whatever you call it these days, coming out soon?

Chris: Yeah, I am putting the finishing touches on a new EP.

Chris: Can you tell me about it?

Chris: No.

Chris: Um..Ok then. Maybe there is something you would like to talk about.

Chris: I SAID NOOOO!!!!

Chris: Right...Well I tell ya' what buddy. I brought some little friends of mine along with me. I have them in my bag here. See, they are dolls and they have parts just like you. In fact, I have one that is named Chris, just like you. Why don't you show me on the doll. Just do to the doll what the EP did to you, OK.

Chris: ...uhh...ok...

Chris: Good. See it feels better to let someone else know, huh?

Chris: ...uh huh.

Chris: Great. You are doing just super! Now do you think you can tell me about the EP? You don't have to if you don't want to, but I think little Chris there in you hand wants you to tell me what you both know. Right?

Chris: yeah...ok. Well, I have been working on the music for a long time now. I picked out the Songs that have the best chemistry between Cynthia and I.

Chris: And who is Cynthia? Was she touched by the EP like you were?

Chris: Cici is the girl that sings. We went to high school together but she moved away and went to some kind of opera school or something. I just happened to run into her at a bar a few years ago and that is when we started writing songs together. She sings in the Austin Lyric Opera too.

Chris: That is great. Now we are really getting somewhere. But I am afraid I have other musicians to talk to so I really have to get going. But I will see you again next week, ok.

Chris: ...yeah.

Chris: Great, bye bye now!

Chris: ...bye.